This is coconut water.
Doesn’t look like Vita-Coco does it? Ya no…this is real life coconut water. From a real life coconut.
And to address that perplexed look that has suddenly creeped onto all of your faces, yes that is a screwdriver and no it was not for tightening my cabinet handles. It was indeed, my kitchen utensil for the night.
How to open a coconut (by me)
1. Puncture soft eye (one of the three holes at the top of the coconut) with the screwdriver and widen the hole to drain the coconut milk out. This will prevent the liquid from leaking when you [eventually] crack the sucker open.
2. Pour coconut milk into a jar and attempt to drink. Warning: I tried to take this down knowing how hydrating and natural it would taste and I just couldn’t. Update: apparently coconut milk is from a different kind of coconut with white/green smooth skin? A young coconut. Oops.
3. Place coconut in a plastic bag and proceed to gracefully smash the bag against a hard wood floor / cement. Note: I attempted this after 15 minutes of trying to open the coconut via website instructions which included lightly tapping around the equator (??). Smashing the thing against the ground seemed to work just fine.
Sliced up and they make a great snack.
Just don’t drink the water.